Gina

He was also sporting a deep V-neck, a rhinestone “$” pendant, and the slight suggestion of a mullet. He introduced himself as Jeffy, a writer. I pried a little, and he admitted that he also gave seminars to men on how to date women. I immediately, without much tact, told him what I thought of his career, and the color drained from the broken capillaries in his cheeks. He wasn’t expecting a hooker to know concepts like “misogyny” and “problematic gamification of human interaction.” And yes, I was completely open about my work with him. I usually am on first dates, because of my philosophy about honesty and being out as a form of activism. And I love the startled expression that provokes in most men.

He seemed to think that the fact that we both work closely with male sexuality, insecurity, and romantic prowess made us similar. I saw it as more of a light side/dark side of the Force comparison. I try to make men feel more comfortable around women, around their own bodies, and work on their sexual and romantic skills in a constructive way. He teaches them how to hide their real selves and use acting and costumery to have drunken sex with strangers and then brag about it on the internet. They treat women like objectives in a video game, leveling up to “hotter” women, threesomes, and other more challenging situations. Hence I’m pretty sure that my status as a sex worker means trying to nail me for free is some sort of a boss fight.

- Multiple relationships seem to work best when they’re functionally multiple for everybody involved. Everybody in any poly relationship being intimately involved with more than one person still seems like a required minimum balance for sustainability in my experience. I’d suggest that poly people hold out for lovers who are actually, actively striving to be in more than one relationship at once or who are already with someone else. Theoretical polyamory alone doesn’t sustain balanced connections for long. (Try for balance, not symmetry. You don’t all have to be doing the same kind or the same numbers of relationships at the same time, and you probably won’t.)

- Beware a 15-page contract or an overabundance of rules. Communication and actively erring on the side of respectful caution are the primary content of the long-standing agreements I’ve seen work. If rules and guidelines don’t shift toward the more relaxed over time, they’re probably masking a larger problem of trust, without which no agreement is adequate. Lovers build or rebuild trust by approaching known issues gradually, building and adjusting shared guidelines one at a time, and allowing each other a relaxed space in which to address the unexpected things that pop up.

- Beware an unwillingness to state clear boundaries or an unwillingness to respect your stated limits. If your partners’ unconditional acceptance of absolutely everything you do seems too good to be true, that’s because it is. Doormats are deadly when they belatedly discover their boundaries. If they won’t tell you what they need, escape while you still can. Similarly, if a partner regularly disregards your stated needs around “small” issues or won’t agree to setting any boundaries at all together, run.