if we live to see the other side of this / i will remember your kiss

A. broke up with me tonight. I saw it coming — these last few weeks have been really, really rough — but I’m still a bit in shock, and deeply heartbroken. I fell so fucking hard for him. I’m still very much in love. It is going to take me a long time to get over this. :(

Right now, I just want him back in my life as my boyfriend. But I know that’s not happening.

Tomorrow would have been our one-year anniversary. Ouch.

(Zealously protective friends? Please don’t go breaking kneecaps on my behalf. I am very, very sad, but I am also keeping things in perspective and taking care of myself. A. is a wonderful guy, and I don’t want people hating on him out of some weird & misplaced sense of loyalty to me. Break-ups happen sometimes. It is what it is.)

"I have given my life to observing the hearts. Observing, of course, is the wrong word for the patient cultivation of blind spots, for trying to understand, by the ways in which, yes, I do *not* understand, what the heart is."

— Shelley Jackson, “Heart.” From The Melancholy of Anatomy.

Patti Smith’s “Summer Cannibals” from Gone Again (1996). God, so good.

I felt a rising in my throat, the girls a-sayin’ grace
And the air, the viscious air, pressed against my face
And it all got too damn much for me
It just got too damn rough
And I pushed away my plate
Said “Boys, I’ve had enough”
And I laid upon the table another piece of meat
And I opened up my veins and I said, “C’mon. Eat.”