Gina

1. Even though I’m still sick, that was SUCH a wonderful birthday. I feel so loved. Grazie mille to the sweet friends who made it such an amazing day. ♥

2. Yeah. Still sick. Like, vicodin cough syrup o’clock sick. :( :( :( I will be very happy when this is finally over.

Dirty Thirty. Wow.

I am happy and relieved to finally say good-bye to my twenties. But it’s not “good riddance.” It’s more “fond farewell.”

I have learned SO MUCH over this past decade. Also, let’s be real: I have accomplished a really impressive amount of cool stuff over this past decade, both personally and professionally. I’m not even gonna play at being falsely humble or modest here: I’m totally awesome and I kicked a lot of ass in my twenties. I was brave and forthright and honest and bright. Sometimes I made really stupid decisions, bad mistakes. Sometimes I was way too hard on myself.  

But sometimes I was really good to myself. Sometimes, I was bloody spectacular.

So many moments over this past decade were formative. Everything from leaving a horrible abusive relationship at 21 to starting Girl Talk at 25. Graduating college at 22, getting one of two Master’s Degrees at 29 (and being very well on my way to getting my second in May). Starting not one but two manuscripts. The shitty meaningless boring jobs and the work that I loved, the work that fed me. Getting published a lot, teaching a lot, performing a lot. Touring and doing college gigs. Meeting so many sweet people. Making friends who have become beloved family. Building towards actually making a living as a working artist. Bad awkward funny-story sex that still taught me a lot about my body and my boundaries. And the best sex of my entire life, the kind of fucking that left me humming and panting and alive with the utter possibility of the world. Falling in love a few times and becoming a better person for it. Learning so much every time my heart broke open.

But what it all boils down to is this: The biggest thing I learned in my twenties is How To Have A Body. That is the lesson that made all the other joys and discoveries possible. At 20, I was glassy-eyed and constantly underslept, anoretic and running on fumes. To say I was completely fucking dissociated is an understatement. My consciousness floated about 6 inches above my head at all times. Over the past decade, I have gone, slowly and painstakingly but surely, from floating above my head to actually being in my body all the time. To actually listening to my body.

Sometimes I want to send a picture of myself now to my 20 year-old self. She was so small and scared, so trapped and cornered, so hollow. I want to feed her everything she wasn’t letting herself take in — food and rest, safety and love. I want to give her a soft place to land, to remind her of what she deserves.  I want to say “Bella, abundanza. Look. Look. Look who you’re going to be and what you’re going to do. You’ll leave all of this behind and you will be so much better and happier for it. You are so brave.”

I’m looking forward to growing into my bravery and bad-assery in my 30s. And I wonder what 40 year old me will want to say to 30 year old me. What that picture will look like.

I bet it’ll be really good, whatever it is.

I turn 30 tomorrow. I am still pretty sick. So much so that I had to cancel my big birthday bash. Womp-womp.

I’m trying to stay positive, but fewer things make me crankier & sadder than being sick on my birthday.

Send me good vibes/think well of me/pray for me, oh please? The silly Wish List that I made a few days ago aside, my biggest birthday wishes right now are 1) for a stronger immune system and 2) to have enough energy to hang out with a few close friends tomorrow on my actual birthday. Even if it just means sitting in bed in my pajamas and eating take-out and watching a movie.

Some of these are more realistic than others.

- Dinners at Emmy’s Spaghetti Shack, Mission Chinese, and Burma Superstar.

- Tea at Lovejoy’s.

- Drinks at Bourbon & Branch.

- Ice cream at Ice Cream Bar.

- This toolbox.

- This shaving kit.

- A shopping spree at Sock Dreams.

- Also a shopping spree at Agent Provocateur.

- These fucking Fluevogs. Also these. Or these. Christ!

- Hot new dresses.

- A French cuffed shirt & pinstriped suit that actually fit my short, fat, curvy body.

- Plane tickets to visit all the people I love who live far away.

- A romantical relationship with someone wise and sweet and hot and adult and stable. Whom I really dig. Who equally digs me. Who is in it for the long-haul and who has a thing for perverting domesticity.

- More sex in general. It has been an extraordinarily dry year. (I mean that as in “the last year,” not as in 2013. I sure hope this year is not dry.)

- How about also a book deal, and my student loans & other debt paid off, and being able to make a living at my cultural work once I’m out of school, and also ALL THE FUNDING for Girl Talk.

- Maybe also a studio or one-bedroom apartment in SF in a neighborhood that I love that is affordable (which I currently have!) but also bigger than a shoebox (which I don’t have) and not with structural problems + asshat landlords (ditto on the don’t have).

- Maybe also a trip to Europe. Especially to Italy and Croatia. I have never been.

I am 28! :)

I’m also home with flu on my birthday, and won’t be at Creating Change after all. This was a really, really hard decision for me to make, and I’m bummed out about not being able to make CC. But staying home also feels like the right & self-careful (har) decision. I’m not able to eat anything but crackers & coconut water, I’m coughing & sneezing like crazy, and really, the only place I wanna be right now is my bed. Travel & the cold climate would not be very kind to my immune system or recovery from this bug, I’d only have half my brain at my workshops, and I wouldn’t be able to do any of the fun stuff (hanging out into the wee hours, going out dancing, hot tub Spin the Bottle — don’t knock it till you’ve tried it) that I like doing at conferences.

So. I’m having a Birthday from Bed, with cat & Netflix & computer. And even though I’m sick, I’m actually feeling pretty okay, all things considered.

I’ll also update re: the status of the Transfeminism workshop and the Sex Worker Caucus as soon as possible. My sense is that the Transfeminism workshop is still going to happen; I’m not as sure about the Sex Worker Caucus. I’ll keep y’all posted.

<3

It’s my birthday tomorrow. (Alas, right now I’m home sick with flu. My last couple days have honestly been pretty miserable. I’m hoping I get over this in time to have an actual birthday.)

I have a few birthday wishes. If you’re in the mood to grant one or two, that’d be swell. :) No pressure, though.

For my birthday, I want to hear your birthday wishes for me for the next year, and any things you think are awesome about me. Here or in a note or in person or with a text/call/etc.

I would also like, in no particular order:
- This necklace. Oh, please. (Grazie mille, Marlene. I adore you.)
- Your art! Your book(s) or chapbook(s) or zine(s), a print of your visual art, your movie(s), your album(s), or even just a link to your groovy website or blog. Really! I like seeing what other artists in my community are doing.
- A chocolate-raspberry cupcake from Miette.
- Gift certificates to Sephora, Torrid, Lane Bryant, and Fredericks.
- The last best book you read, album you heard, or movie or show you saw.
- The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For!
- Any of Lynda Barry’s books that I don’t already have: The Greatest of Marlys, The Good Times Are Killing Me, Come Over Come Over, It’s So Magic, Naked Ladies Naked Ladies Naked Ladies, Picture This! Also, apparently she did an album called The Lynda Barry Experience at some point? It’s like a million (or 200) dollars, so please don’t buy it for me, but if you have it & could burn me a copy, I’d love that.
- Any of David Wojnarowicz’s books that I don’t have: Memories That Smell Like Gasoline, In the Shadow of the American Dream, Seven Miles a Second, Brush Fires in the Social Landscape, Tongues of Flame.
- Just Kids by Patti Smith. (Thanks, Ma. I love you!)

Also, if anyone wants to give me copies of the following music or movies (CD or DVD burns very happily accepted!), I’d be much obliged:
- Here Come the Warm Jets - Brian Eno
- Anything by The Au Pairs (Thank you, Lori!)
- Any/all of Torchwood. (Yeah, I said it — don’t judge.)
- Any/all of the new Doctor Who.
- Any/all of Arrested Development.
- Zoolander (“It’s IN the COMPUTER?!”) (Thanks again, Mom.)
- Velvet Goldmine

More college gigs. A shoot a month. The first draft of the novel done by the end of this semester. The ocean once a month. Dancing once a month. A soak in a hot tub once a month. Lots of walks, lots of bike rides. Sweetness. Hard work, rest, balance.

I turn 27 on February 3rd. A Birthday Wishlist:

Femme stuff:
+ Gift cards to Sephora, Lush, Dollhouse Betty, Torrid, and 6pm.com.

Art stuff:
+ Tickets to Monique Jenkinson’s aka Fauxnique’s Luxury Items (it’s running from early-late February).
+ The reissue of Laurie Anderson’s Big Science.
+ The following Lynda Barry books: What It Is, It’s So Magic, Come Over Come Over, The Good Times Are Killing Me.
+ Gift cards to Amoeba Music, Aardvaark Books.

Foodstuffs:
+ Gift cards & coupons for Rainbow Grocery.
+ Chocolate-strawberry cupcakes from Miette.

Body:
+ A gift card to Madusalon for a curlygirl cut.
+ A professional massage. I’ve never actually had one!
+ Gift cards to Yoga Kula.

Spirit:
+ A tarot reading by someone who is not me, and who is good at what they do. It’s been a long time since I haven’t thrown down my own cards.