The easiest way to earn my everlasting emnity is to be mean.
I think this is because I’m 70% earnest and sweet and maybe a little stupidly so, 25% jaded and bitchy and cynical, and 5% crazy-fucking, junkyard-dog mean myself, and that’s because of extreme effort to keep all of those things in balance. I try especially hard not to be mean in public, to keep it under wraps.
I think of my bitchiness and meanness as being separate for the most part, because I’m never bitchy out of proportion to how bad something is, and while I might be harsh, it’s never to the point of being actually cruel, it’s rarely in a space where it’s likely to get back to the person, and I tend to temper it with a lot of honest praise or mitigation. I mean, if I weren’t a little bitchy, I would be irritatingly saccharine. I think of my actual meanness as being the worst part of my general craziness, to be honest, and I tend to think very ill of people who don’t try to keep similar tendencies at bay, or who even embrace them.
I tend to see people be ‘mean’ and then immediately dislike them, but if I find out that they’re actually mostly friendly to people they like and just have a tendency to blow the fuck up at people who are doing them wrong, I tend to warily forgive them; that’s a tendency I understand too well.
However, if I see someone as incredibly nice and later learn that they’re mean without good reason, mean out of proportion to any kind of actual offence, particularly in public, I hate them forever- sometimes, yes, to the point of being mean, sometimes out of all proportion. It’s kind of a terrible tendency.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. Mister Sissy, how did you get in my brain?